In 2017, I found out my (then) partner of 2 years had been cheating on me for months.
He begged me not to tell my friends or family because they "didn't understand me like you do" and he "was in a really bad place because of childhood wounds" and "would probably hurt himself" if I left him.
TRANSLATION?
I want you to keep this a secret so our friends won't know and I won't have to be held accountable for my actions and deal with those consequences.
Plus, by making you feel responsible for my mental and physical wellbeing, you'll feel a sense of obligation to help me and see that I didn't really meant to do it but something else pushed me to do it.
I stayed with him for another 2 years.
And those were probably the hardest 2 years I've had to go through...
constantly playing tug-of-war with myself...
doubting my own intuition...
and feeling like I didn't really have a right to be upset as I watched our friends interact with him normally and tell us how great of a couple we were.
Only a few of my close friends knew, but as much as they tried to tell me to leave, his excuses of "this is what made me realise I actually love you and can't live without you" made me not only stay with him...
but also made me withdraw from my friends.
It wasn't until I started opening up to them about the things that happened between us that I realised how much I was manipulated.
And I became angry.
ANGRY that he would constantly suggest I should get back into dance training because I had put on some weight...even right after we were physically intimate.
ANGRY that he was $exting someone not even a week after I had first found out that he cheated, with his excuse being that we were in limbo because I hadn't told him whether I wanted to stay or leave yet.
ANGRY that when I told him I wanted to learn astrology, he asked me to tell his bosses at hospital that I did a more "acceptable" job so I wouldn't affect his reputation.
ANGRY that whenever I would talk about things that triggered me while I was actively trying to heal from what he did, he would exasperatedly ask me to stop because he didn't want to be reminded of how much he upset me.
ANGRY that after 4 years together and telling me what he did made him realise he loved me, he still couldn't tell me if he truly loved me or not because... "sometimes I do and sometimes I don't".
But most of all?
I was angry at myself for saying "okay" to all of that. For putting up with so much bullsh*t.
That anger turned into shame, into hiding away those parts of me that had felt so violated, not wanting anyone to see how blind I was to everything that was going on, wanting to make myself appear strong and unfazed.
And yet as I began to open up to my trusted nearest and dearest...
slowly, slowly, slowly...
I started to find the inner strength, power and pieces of me I thought I had lost...
to stand up and share this story - my story - my full story...
and to eventually align with the empowered version of myself that I needed to be to finally meet...
the love of my life.
Someone who thinks about me and takes care of me in ways I didn't even know was possible.
Someone who effortlessly reassures me every day of the love and commitment we share.
Someone who understands and treasures the connection that's embedded into the very depths of our soul.
Someone who makes me feel empowered and respected in my own body and my own essence.
Someone who isn't afraid to show the whole world how proud he is of me and what I do.
And someone who can still call me out on my sh*t and pushes me to evolve into an even better version of myself.
And that's why I'm so passionate about what I do.
Because I've been there, feeling the crushing power of the hurt, the betrayal, the guilt, the shame...
learning to dance with the waves of grief flooding my soul and cracking my heart open...
transforming through my pain to embody my highest calling, my soul mission...
TO HOLD SPACE FOR YOUR PAIN, YOUR DEEPER TRUTHS, YOUR DEEPER TRANSFORMATION.
TO HELP YOU HEAL AND EMBRACE THE PARTS OF YOU THAT YOU THOUGHT WERE LOST.
TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH THE WOUNDS OF YOUR PAST, INTO YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIAL.
TO GUIDE YOU TO THE DEEP, VULNERABLE LOVE AND INTIMACY YOU DESIRE.
TO HELP YOU LOVE YOU - ALL OF YOU.